Who Sings?

I've been attending a meditation group every week for awhile now and (attempting) to meditate every day. For me, meditation is a form of prayer and I use it as a path to commune with God.

One of the most amazing revelations came through my meditation group this last week. During meditation, I had intentionally lifted up in prayer two things I really, really, really wanted - To sing with the Columbus Jazz Orchestra and to play Mama Rose in Gypsy. I had told myself I "had to" do these things before I die. They've been on my list for a long time as goals I felt I needed to achieve.

Like most artists I struggle with self-esteem: feelings of rejection, concern about whether I'm really talented, etc, etc. When you put your art out there, it is your SELF you put out there for criticism. It's tough. I find that I've shied away from a lot of marketing because I just cringe at having to "sell" myself; or I feel so personally disrespected when a club owner or booking person doesn't call me back after the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to call. So, I just give up. It's easier than that ego-rejection.

In Buddhist meditation, the objective is to get rid of the sense of "self" or the ego. And, I think that this is the objective whether you call it "prayer" or "meditation" -- Surrender of the self-will, surrender of pride or vanity, is central in most spiritual walks. "Let go and let God" is one expression that speaks to me.

The conversation after our meditation last week turned to the Ego and the question of "starting over" on your journey. Maxwell Button, a jazz drummer who is in our group, said that he approaches each time he sits in front of his drums and hits them with his stick, as if he were a two year old experimenting and hearing that sound for the first time. He aims for a sense of starting out fresh every day. A new birth. We discussed letting go of the ego and relinquishing our assessments of our spiritual journeys as a linear model of "progress".

I suddenly realized how self-centric my art is. I became conscious of a self-judgment that said "I SHOULD be at this point in my career", meaning that I should be hired by now for certain kinds of gigs, I should be selling X CD's, I should have X fans who follow my work, I should get cast in X plays with X theater companies. I became conscious of how much unhappiness and dissatisfaction that causes in me, and how much that gets in the way of the ART itself.

Then, after our group, a few of us went to lunch and I was sharing how this conversation had affected me. Jim Ellsworth shared a comment he had heard from a jazz singer. She asked herself before every performance "Who Sings?".

WOW! Think how much that changes the entire musical conversation? It isn't any longer about ME singing. It is about the universe singing THROUGH ME. That may sound esoteric, but I think it is very real. When I understand at more than an intellectual level that I am deeply connected with every cell of the universe (something that is, in fact, true at the level of science and physics, too) then I can release that need to succeed, that fear of failure, the need to be liked,.... ALL that mess! And really SING! and, for that matter, act, or direct.

So then I thought, if the question is "Who Sings?" then how about the songs I write? The question must be "Who's Song?" Not MY songs! As soon as they are composed, they are the property of the universe. Wait! BEFORE they are composed they are the property of the universe. Why, then, should I apologize for my lack of musical training or give a disclaimer when I present them? And, on the other hand, when they are complemented, it also isn't about ME. The song is not mine to own.

More and more I think about the song "Let it Be". Just let it be! Just let it be birthed in creativity, through the God who is CREATOR and author. Then "let it be" without apology, disclaimer, fear, shame, anticipation, pride or ego. Doesn't that feel more relaxed!

By the same token, it is excellent to have goals and hopes and dreams. It is excellent to offer those up to the universe and see where it takes us. We can and should be totally engaged and committed to what we do as artists, or in any capacity. But, it is the clinging to those dreams and letting our success be defined by them that brings us down.

This brings me to the Hokey Pokey. Someone sent me this once and I find it so helpful that it comes to mind over and over.

Life is like the Hokey Pokey:
You put your whole self in, and that's total engagement.
You put your whole self out, and that's total detachment.
You turn yourself around and that's total transformation.
And that's what it's all about.