What are Mothers Really Like?

Another year, another frustrating attempt to find a suitable Mother’s Day card for my unconventional mother. The cards that talk about the self-sacrificing, sweet, nurturing, house-keeping mother are inappropriate and sometimes even funny, given my upbringing.

 My two younger sisters and I were raised to be strong, opinionated, competitive and successful. Our mother was the disciplinarian and Dad was the pushover. My mom was, at least when we were young, a housewife, but a highly intelligent artistic one who was frustrated by the boundaries imposed on women in the 50’s and 60’s.

I love and admire my mom. Just not for the sappy reasons on the cards. My mom was the one who pushed us, refused to accept excuses, and went to bat for us. It is from her I got my intelligence, my opinionated nature, my singing voice, my acting skills, my outraged quest for justice for the oppressed, my work ethic, my persistence, and my obsessiveness. Love those traits or hate them, that’s who I am and many of those things have served me well.

 So… can it really be the case that my Mom is so unusual? Or does this holiday bring out the worst of our stereotypes about who moms are supposed to be? I mean, I’m hardly a “Hallmark Mom” either! Most of my kids’ lives I worked full time and from the age of 30, had a singing and acting career as well. We taught our daughters to be self-reliant, smart, ambitious, determined and competitive. I’m sure that they remember many times I was tough on them. Our daughters now both have full time careers. Kathryn is a human rights attorney in Uganda and her wonderful husband Dave cares for their children. Our youngest, Jennifer, is a pastor. It is likely if she and John have children that John will be the primary care-giver.

With all the successful career women, why aren’t there more cards about moms as professional role models? Why do so many Mother’s Day cards seem to say the greatest accomplishments of mothers is caring for the physical needs of their families, or successfully navigating their kid’s teen years? Why can’t moms be smart and professionally successful and hate cooking and cleaning? Why can’t moms fulfill their own destinies and ALSO be moms? Is it okay for moms to be bitchy? I mean, a lot of us actually ARE.

My mom as "Lalume" in KISMET

Here’s a better Hallmark Card for my Mom:

Mom, you always had my back and you always pushed me forward, accepting no excuses. You made me smart, strong and creative, and you showed me that I could be anything I wanted to be. You taught me that I should be of service to others less fortunate than I am, and to be outraged at injustice. Thanks for kicking me in the ass from time to time. It worked.

 Love, Eileen

 (P.S. Thanks for the cooking and cleaning, too. That was helpful.)