On Being Special

Some people are sadly burdened with having been told they are worthless.  I have the opposite problem. 

From an early age, I was told I was special.  A precocious and reflective child, who read four years above my grade level, I was ‘superior’ to others my age. My dad says I wasn’t really ever a child. I was a small adult. And, as the oldest of three children, I also felt responsible for everything.

Then, when I was eight, my parents became involved with a radical left-wing religious group that thought of itself as changing the world. While there was a lot of good in it, including work toward civil rights, it was also a cult in which you were either with us and saving the whole world or you were basically just one of the unconscious sheep. There was a constant drumbeat about my responsibility to be one of the God-chosen elite who would bend history.

The leader of this organization often told me I was special.  I had long theological conversations with adults at the age of 12.  I taught religious courses at the age of 15. I was important.  I was called to change the world.

During this time, I also was starving, like most of the kids who had been dragged into this strange institution.  Food was bad, often burned, and there was never enough of it.  We ate powdered milk and powdered eggs.  I learned to steal and hoard food wherever I could, and to stuff myself if we happened to have a treat. And, thus, the seeds of my addiction were planted.

Fast forward to adulthood, and finally getting so burned out that my husband and I left.  I was physically and emotionally drained. It took a lot of counseling to begin to recover, and I started learning to take the world off my shoulders. When I told my pastor that I felt guilty I wasn’t changing the world, he said, “Sometimes it’s enough to just change the baby’s diaper!” What a gift that counsel was!

But, to this day, I struggle with feeling I should be doing something bigger, better, bolder, wiser, and with more impact.  I am “special”!  It’s my responsibility!

Thank God for Overeaters Anonymous and the 12 steps. With the help of my Higher Power, I am learning that I’m just another bozo on the bus, neither above nor below others. This is a lesson I have to learn every day, one day at a time.  My job is just to be of service to others. Self-centeredness and ego-driven self-aggrandizement is one of the many character defects that I turn over to my Higher Power. Day by day, and very slowly, I’ve gained humility.  I DO see the fruits, although I also see that there is vast potential for many more days of miracles ahead of me!

The beautiful gift of understanding that I’m loved as I am, but I’m not loved any more or less than anyone else, is saving me from my over-developed sense of superiority and responsibility. My job is just to be a conduit to share that gift with others and be of service.